


They Don’t Know (That We Know (They Know (We Know)))

by EryiScrye (SomberSecrets)



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: All Hail the Potato, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Brienne Doesn't Say It Here... But She Does Look at Jaime and Say "Oh bother" A Lot, Cersei has the Most BDE for Being Almost Completely in the Background, F/M, Friends Spoof, Get Ready for Jaime's Game to Fluctuate Wildly, Get Ready for Margaery to Flip Her Shit, Humor, Luke Warm Leaf Water, Poor Sansa, Romance, Tyrion Pays a Price for Being in the Know, the one where everybody finds out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-10
Updated: 2019-10-10
Packaged: 2020-12-07 11:47:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20975396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomberSecrets/pseuds/EryiScrye
Summary: “So do you mean to tell me that every time that Brienne and Jaime have been doing the laundry together…” Margaery grilled as she took a sip of her mimosa.“It’s Brienne, of course she’s actually been doing the laundry,” Sansa specified and then grimaced, “It just so happens that she’s also been doing Jaime while doing the laundry. Right on top of the laundry machines according to Tyrion.”---Margaery Tyrell is going to get either Jaime or Brienne to admit to all the sex their having, even if it's the last thing she does.A JB Spoof of the Friends episode "The One Where Everybody Finds Out"





	They Don’t Know (That We Know (They Know (We Know)))

**Author's Note:**

> This has been a long time coming. The first half came so easily out of me, but the second was a bit of a struggle. Thank you so much to my fabulous beta oneblankwhitepage for not only reading through this, but also helping me get to the end with her wonderful ideas and insights!

“Do you really think it’s a good idea having Cersei live right across the street from us?” Sansa asked as she chewed her lip and looked around the empty apartment space.

It was a nice place although it was a little bit on the expensive side. However, the living room was huge, the kitchen had all the necessary appliances, there were two bedrooms, and above all else, it would get Cersei out of Jaime and Tyrion’s hair. They did not want to have to live with her again, ever.

“Better she lives window to window with us than with her brothers. They’ll be catapulting rocks at each other by day two and the Seven knows that Brienne can keep Cersei in line with just one look.”

“Even from across a street?”

Margaery nodded sagely, “Especially from across a street,” she walked to the large bay window facing the apartment that she shared with Sansa and Brienne. “See, unobstructed view. Brienne will be able to glare dourly in disappointment at all times of the day if Cersei tries to bring home another hack boyfriend, fiancé, or husband.”

Sansa laughed as she continued to roam around the apartment looking for any problems that they would have to note with the landlord before signing a lease, “You know… Cersei could just close the curtains.”

Margaery laughed, “That would mean she would have to admit to wrong doing!”

“And that would never happen,” Sansa giggled as she swept into the kitchen through the saloon style double doors, “She is kind of a bad decision exhibitionist.”

Margaery looked out of the large bay windows again and saw Brienne exit her bedroom and set up shop on the thick window ledge with a book and what Margaery suspected was a cooled cup of tea. Margaery’s nose wrinkled, she would never understand her friend’s penchant for drinking luke warm leaf water.

Margaery was about to make a spectacle of herself to try and get Brienne’s attention when she saw her friend’s head snap up and look toward where their front door would be. “Sansa!” Margaery cried out, “I think we have a Code Fuck Already emergency.”

“What in all names is a Code Fuck Already emergency?” Sansa asked from inside the kitchen. Margaery watched as Jaime Lannister sauntered towards Brienne, cocky smile spread across his haunty, arrogant Lannister face and emerald eyes shining.

“We’ve made the mistake of leaving Jaime and Brienne alone. We’re going to return an apartment filled with sexual tension so thick that we won’t be able to wade through it,” Margaery replied. She watched with growing interest as Jaime leaned down to put his lips by Brienne’s ear and said something. It was probably something exasperating as Brienne’s face screwed up in abject annoyance. “I can already see the tension forming from here!”

“Did you just say Jaime and Brienne are alone over there?” Sansa asked urgently as Margaery heard Sansa’s shoes clack over the tiles in the kitchen, suddenly at an increased pace.

Margaery tilted her head as she watched Brienne flush a mesmerizing shade of red that not only covered her face but also raced down her neck. She was sure the blush also covered Brienne’s collarbone and chest, making her freckles stand out. She had seen the blush enough times when Jaime was around. Jaime though, was now hovering over Brienne with one hand on the window and one hand caressing her jaw, his eyes still gazing right into hers. “Yep. They really should fuck already.”

Suddenly Sansa burst back into the living room making the saloon doors slam against the wall, “Margaery look away!” she screamed. But it was too late. For as Sansa had burst through the kitchen door Brienne had grabbed Jaime, with both hands, by the back of the neck, pulled him down and was gratuitously sucking the smirk off his face. Margaery could see the tongue.

“By… the… SEVEN!” Sansa tackled Margaery to the ground, but by then Brienne’s shirt had been ripped open and Jaime’s had been pulled over his head and Margaery was pretty sure that Brienne’s hands had been going for Jaime’s belt next, but no. fucking. way.

No fucking way was that possible!

Jaime and Brienne bickered and fought like dogs. More than that, they had been denying Margaery’s accusations of sexual tension for weeks, months, _years_! “Get off of me!” Margaery shrieked as she shoved Sansa’s face away from hers and rolled their bodies to the side so that she could try to get back up to see the show, “I need to see this!” Margaery managed to pop her head back into the line of sight and indeed, Brienne had managed to whip off his belt and wrestle Jaime’s trousers and boxer briefs down below his buttocks. In the short amount of time that Sansa had managed to get Margaery on the floor, Brienne’s skinny jeans and underwear had been divested so that they were hanging onto only one of her ankles and both of her legs were wrapped tightly around Jaime’s hips. As Margaery’s eyes widened in disbelief, Jaime braced himself and Brienne up against the window and began furiously fucking her right up against the glass and boy did it seem like Brienne was enjoying it by the way that her back arched.

“Oh gods…” Sansa moaned as she slapped her hands over her eyes, but couldn’t help but peek through her fingers.

“JAIME AND BRIENNE!” Margaery shrieked as she got to her feet.

“Oh gods,” Sansa panicked as she tried to close the window curtains.

“JAIME AND BRIENNE!” Margaery shrieked again as she tried to undo Sansa’s censoring and pressed her face to the glass.

“Oh gods!” Sansa cried as she tried to get Margaery away from the window.

“THEY’RE FUCKING. I KNEW IT THEY’RE FUCKING.”

“MARGAERY SHUT UP.”

“BUT SANSA, THEY’RE FINALLY FUCKING.”

“I KNOW!”

“YOU KNOW?”

“I KNOW. And Tyrion knows, but Cersei doesn’t know and do you really want her to find out?” Sansa shrieked.

“Find out what?” Cersei asked from the freshly opened apartment door. She was holding a clipboard with the lease attached to it. Everything on the lease had already been filled out, except for the final signature.

Margaery pulled one side of the curtain closed while Sansa pulled the other side, “That this apartment is a total steal!” Sansa crowed as she gestured grandly at the empty space.

“Is it really? Seems kind of trashy to me,” Cersei frowned as she stared at the horrible flowery print on the curtains.

Margaery laughed awkwardly, “It’s a steal for a commoner and that’s what we all are now Cersei, just average every day commoners.”

“Call me a commoner again Tyrell…” Cersei hissed.

“And you’ll what?”

“And I’ll…” Cersei petered off as she chewed her bottom lip.

Margaery grinned, “Thought so. Get the apartment.”

Sansa slammed her head against the wall beside the window.

And then Margaery realized why she shouldn’t have recommended that.

“I guess I will,” Cersei said as she flipped her hair over her shoulder, brought the pen in her hand to the contract, and signed the lease.

* * *

“So do you mean to tell me that every time that Brienne and Jaime have been doing the laundry together…” Margaery grilled as she took a sip of her mimosa.

“It’s Brienne, of course she’s actually been doing the laundry,” Sansa specified and then grimaced, “It just so happens that she’s also been doing Jaime while doing the laundry. Right on top of the laundry machines according to Tyrion.” 

“Ride him cowgirl,” Margaery grinned.

“Please stop, I have to disinfect all of the machines now before I can use them.”

“Hypochondriac.”

“I’m nothing of the sort,” Sansa huffed, “It’s just that sometimes you need to know there are some clean spaces left.”

“Are there so few?” Margaery asked with a raised eyebrow.

Sansa grimaced, “Assume there are none.”

“Good for Brienne. I’m glad she’s finally getting her rocks off,” Margaery crowed proudly, “Though she could do better than Jaime…” Margaery’s face screwed up, “Lannister.”

“I’ll never see what she see’s in him either.”

“Got to give the guy his due. He does have a pretty hot bod.”

“My brother is the best,” Tyrion stated as he waddled into the brunch café, blatantly ignoring Margaery’s quip about his brother’s physique, “Hello ladies. Sansa has informed me that you are now aware of the rutting couple in constant heat.” Sansa helped Tyrion pull out a chair and Tyrion hopped onto the seat.

“Very aware,” Margaery tittered.

“She saw them doing it while we were apartment hunting with Cersei,” Sansa sighed.

“Don’t parse words. We saw them fucking right up against our apartment window.”

“Remind me to windex that,” Sansa sighed.

“Discreet as always,” Tyrion chuckled at the same time.

“Tell him what else you did Margaery,” Sansa goaded.

Margaery coughed, her cheeks colouring ever so slightly, “I may have told Cersei to get the apartment that gave us the full frontal view of the fucking.”

“Are you trying to cause Armageddon?”

“Are all Lannister’s so dramatic?”

“Yes. That’s the point. Cersei’s going to flip when she finds out. And she is _going_ to find out. It took you all but five minutes in that apartment.”

“Maybe we should tell them that we know so they can actually be more discreet,” Sansa sighed, “Enough of us know now that it’s kind of silly that we’re still pretending it’s a big secret.”

Margaery grinned, “What’s the fun in that?”

“Tyrion, tell me she doesn’t have that smile on her face.”

“She has that smile on her face.”

“Seven save us all.”

* * *

“Let me get this straight. You’re going to try and seduce Jaime to get the truth out of him,” Sansa said deadpanned as she rested her cheek in the palm of her hand. “Isn’t that more of a punishment for you than anything?”

“It’s not going to work,” Tyrion stated as he licked his thumb and forefinger and flipped through a page in his book from the living room couch.

“I need one of them to break!” Margaery decried as she paced through the girl’s living room, “You’re telling me they’ve been fucking for months and none of my interrogation methods have been working? The last thing I have left is seducing Jaime and I,” Margaery slammed her fist into her hand to punctuate each word, “Will. Do. It!”

“So you’re just going to say that if Brienne doesn’t want Jaime then you want Jaime,” Sansa once again clarified deadpanned, “No one is going to believe that. No one is ever going to believe that you want to fuck a Lannister, no offence Tyrion.”

“No offence taken, like I’d ever want to touch a Tyrell.”

“Correct. And they will believe it. I will make it believable. I am an actress,” Margaery declared as she flipped her hair over her shoulder, “And you Sansa, my dear—“

“She’s trying to channel Olenna.”

Tyrion shook his head, “Keyword, trying.”

“Can just cause them smaller problems to throw them off their secrecy game, like asking Brienne to also do your laundry for you,” Margaery continued as though she hadn’t been interrupted, “Two birds with one stone, you get your laundry done and you don’t have to fear using the machine they took a wild ride on.”

“I wouldn’t want to use Brienne like that,” Sansa frowned.

“Jaime does actually help her if that changes your mind,” Tyrion said as he looked up from his book, “With the right motivation he can be helpful and getting into Brienne’s pants is definitely the right motivation for him. They already do my laundry. The least they could do after I walked in on…” Tyrion shivered, “That.”

“Gods, what have you witnessed?” Sansa asked scrunching her nose.

“I prefer not to recall those memories to mind if I can help it,” Tyrion chuckled and waved his book around, “Hence, why I am reading the most dull of history books while you two scheme.”

“While Margaery schemes.”

“While I make excellent tactical plans!”

“I would suggest being quiet, I think I just heard our apartment door opening,” Tyrion warned.

After a beat, the apartment door swung open and Jaime swept into the room, “Do you guys have milk?”

“Have we run out already?” Tyrion asked.

The corner of Jaime’s lip pulled up as he rubbed the back of his head, “Brienne used all of it for her tea.”

Sansa frowned, “Her luke warm tea?”

Jaime chuckled and nodded, “Her luke warm tea.”

“She used all of ours too.”

A grin spread on Jaime’s face as he pulled his phone out of his pocket, “What a fiend, I’ll text her and tell her to get two cartons on her way home later.”

Tyrion and Sansa exchanged a look and then raised their eyebrows in unison at Margaery. Margaery pursed her lips. The more her friends questioned her abilities of interrogation the more she would prove them wrong. Seduction was secondary, but it was also her strong point. She could suck it up and flirt with a Lannister, just this once. Getting either Jaime or Brienne to admit to all the fucking was worth it.

“Jaime!” Margaery tittered pitching her voice warm and high.

Jaime glanced up at her from his phone screen as though he had heard a errant bird screeching in the apartment, “Margaery…” he said slowly.

Margaery swept up in front of him and adjusted the collar of his open wool jacket, “You look dashing today,” she murmured, allowing her palm and fingers to run down his chest. She deliberately ran her gaze down his abdomen before meeting his eye again.

Sansa buried her face into her arms to prevent herself from laughing. Tyrion sank further into the sofa.

“Have you changed up your work out routine?”

Jaime took a step back and slowly stuffed his phone back into his jacket pocket, “Uh yeah… Brienne showed me a couple new things she learnt.”

Margaery bit her bottom lip and ran her hands over Jaime’s biceps, “It really shows.”

Jaime’s eyebrow shot into his eye line, but then he gave her his arrogant smirk, “Thanks… but we both know I’ve always been on top of my workouts.”

Margaery bit her tongue as she saw Sansa curl up from the corner of her eye, “Oh trust me, I know,” she dithered.

“Do you now?”

Margaery pressed her front up against Jaime’s chest, “Oh,” she tilted her head, elongating her neck, “I do.”

Jaime’s eyebrow quirked again, “Did you sleep wrong last night? Neck crick? You okay?”

Tyrion unsuccessfully held back a snort.

Margaery let out a loud string of giggles to cover up the sound, “I’m fine now that you’re here.”

“Excuse me?”

“Oh come on Jaime, you can’t tell me you don’t feel it too.”

Jaime’s phone chirped with the sound of Winnie the Pooh’s voice saying '[Oh bother](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fhl4oKvxphs)’, “Right. Well that’s my cue to take off.”

Margaery frowned at being so deliberately spurned and then madly fluttered her eyelashes, “Do you have to?”

A queer look came onto Jaime’s face and then he shook his head, “Yeah, that was Brienne’s tone and I’ll bet both my testicles that she’s telling me to go pick up the milk myself.”

Margaery smiled at him, wondering why in all names he had assigned that sound clip to the woman he was fucking on a daily basis. “Okay. I suppose it can’t be helped. I’ll see you later Jaime?”

“Sure…” Jaime muttered and backed out of the apartment slowly, closing the door behind him as though a quick movement would suddenly spook her.

The moment the door closed Tyrion and Sansa burst out laughing.

Margaery’s nose flared, “It’s going to work I tell you!”

* * *

Brienne slumped forward onto Jaime’s chest as they both moaned their satisfaction.

Jaime’s hands aimlessly searched the bed and when he finally found the edge of the covers, somewhere by Brienne’s ankles and his thighs, he gently pulled them up over Brienne’s back and tucked them both into a cocoon of warmth as the fading exertion of sex and the cooling of sweat began to cause a chill.

Brienne rubbed her nose into Jaime’s neck and breathed him in, “Gods, it’s ridiculous that you’re so good at that,” Brienne sighed as she snuggled herself in closer to him, trying to burrow her way into his soul, still not quite understanding that she already had a strong foothold there.

Jaime hummed and stroked Brienne’s back before he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into him as much as he could, “Only because you’re so good.”

Brienne chuckled as she kissed the sensitive patch of skin at the base of Jaime’s jaw, “Those new exercises have really been working out for you haven’t they?”

Jaime laughed as he turned them both and Brienne fell onto the mattress beside him. They both groaned as he slid out of her. Jaime gathered her up in his arms again and Brienne nuzzled up under Jaime’s chin. She tossed one leg over Jaime’s hip and he tossed one of his over her outstretched one, “You aren’t the first one to say so today.”

Brienne’s rolled her eyes, “Women notice you at the gym all the time Jaime, I’m not surprised one accosted you while I was in the change room.”

Jaime grinned and then kissed the crown of her head, “Jealous sweetling?”

“Should I be?”

“No.”

“Then only a little,” Brienne pouted.

Jaime’s laughter echoed in his bedroom, “You know you’re the only one I see.”

“We really should get your eyesight checked,” Brienne sighed.

“I think I have better vision than every man who has ever been stupid enough to miss his chance with you.”

“Flattery gets you no where Jaime.”

“No, but it gets you here,” Jaime teased.

“Piss off,” Brienne grunted, “So it wasn’t one of the women at the gym.”

“Well yes,” Jaime groused, Brienne kicked him in the shin and Jaime cuddled her closer, chuckling into her sex dampened skin, “But also Margaery.”

“Margaery? Margaery Tyrell?”

“The one and thankfully the only.”

“_She_ noticed you altered your gym routine?”

“Yep felt me up and everything.”

“She felt you up?” Brienne nearly screeched as she yanked her head back to try and look Jaime in the eye, “Margaery Tyrell who has been convinced we’ve been having sex for years, but has only recently been right—“

“Should’ve listened to her sooner,” Jaime said solemnly.

“Felt you up?”

“Yep.” He popped the ‘P’ and loosened his hold on Brienne, knowing what was about to happen.

Brienne shot up in bed and stared at Jaime with wide eyes, “She knows!”

“Of course she knows,” Jaime said with a roll of his eyes, “But I wouldn’t be surprised if the attraction was real,” he smirked while tracing circles on Brienne’s exposed back.

“No offense Jaime, but Margaery feels about you like I feel about potatoes.”

“Sweetling, you love potatoes.”

“Yeah… but I don’t want to have sex with one.”

“Point taken.”

* * *

Tyrion was sat eating his breakfast at the kitchen table with a newspaper in hand when Jaime opened the door to his bedroom. “It’s all clear,” Tyrion stated and took a sip of his coffee, “Cersei has gone to prepare the new apartment for her move in.”

“She knows what to do?” Jaime asked incredulously as he opened his door fully and Brienne came stumbling out behind him. Tyrion’s eyebrow shot to his hairline; Brienne was usually quite graceful on her feet, though he supposed all of the noise that had been coming from Jaime’s room last night explained why she was practically Bambi this morning.

“I gave her a very detailed manual, would have gone with her myself so that it would all be finalized sooner, but if I die from exasperation, all of our efforts to evict her will have been for naught.”

“She’s not that hard to live with,” Brienne stated as she fussed around their kitchen for two clean mugs.

“She is though,” Jaime muttered darkly.

Brienne elbowed, “Be nice Jaime. She helped us.”

“And hasn’t let me forget it since.”

“Is this why you’re evicting her?”

Jaime gave her his not-so-innocent grin, “Of course not.”

“Just be happy that she’s been spending most of her time at Robb’s place,” Tyrion explained ignoring the mini conversation the two giants often fell into. He had tried to keep up at the beginning. He had learned it was fruitless. “Though if she were around at night, maybe you two would be quieter.” Never had he heard his brother’s name so much. How they had managed to keep their relationship secret from him for even a day much less the number of months they had was beyond him.

Brienne scrunched her nose as she poured herself the rest of the cooled coffee Tyrion had brewed earlier into a bright red mug and then cleaned the filter to make Jaime a new hot brew, “Does Sansa know?” Brienne hopped onto the counter top and tapped her heels against the bottom cupboards. She blatantly ignored Tyrion’s jibe about the, quite frankly, amazing sex she was having.

Jaime cackled as he retrieved the milk from the fridge, “Fuck no. Can you imagine?” He cracked the lid to the brand new carton, situated himself between Brienne’s thighs, poured a splash of milk into her coffee, and then set the open carton to the side.

“Thank the gods,” Brienne muttered as she opened one of the drawers by her knees and retrieved a spoon to stir her coffee with and then took a sip of the luke warm concoction.

Tyrion’s nose wrinkled. He, like Brienne’s roommates, would never get over the fact that Brienne liked drinks that were meant to be hot, warm instead. Jaime seemed happy enough though as he nuzzled Brienne’s cheek with his nose, not finding a reason to move from his position between her legs. It would be cute if it weren’t sickeningly sweet.

Jaime turned to Tyrion, “But Margaery knows.” Ah, the real matter at hand.

“I’m glad you picked up on that. Otherwise I would have to question your intelligence,” Tyrion stated.

Brienne sighed as she rested her cheek on Jaime’s shoulder, “Which means that Sansa knows too.”

“It’s honestly a miracle the continent doesn’t know now that Margaery knows,” Tyrion chuckled. Brienne didn’t need to know that Sansa had known long before Margaery had.

“Good point, why doesn’t the continent know?” Brienne asked.

Tyrion snorted and closed his newspaper to look at the couple in front of him, “Why do you think?”

“Ah… she wants it out of us,” Jaime said sagely as though it weren’t obvious.

“You should have come to this conclusion far sooner.”

Jaime smirked as his hand went to squeeze Brienne’s waist, “We were busy.”

“I heard,” Tyrion deadpanned.

Brienne turned a flaming crimson, but still refused to engage Tyrion about her sex life yet again. “So what? She’s trying to seduce the truth out of Jaime?”

“You say it as though you think it’s a joke.”

Brienne stared at Tyrion, bewildered, “Seriously? She’s going to try and seduce a potato?”

“What?” Tyrion asked.

Brienne shook her head and flushed from embarrassment, “I mean, she’s going to try and seduce a Lannister?”

“Yep.”

Jaime sighed as he curled a hand around the back of Brienne’s neck, “Maybe we should just tell her.”

To both of the Lannister brother’s surprises Brienne shook her head vehemently, “Nuh uh! If Margaery is going to try and be coy about this then we’re also going to have fun with this,” she declared as she finished off her mug of coffee in one gulp.

“Excuse me? Who are you and what have you done with my Brienne?”

Tyrion dramatically gagged. Jaime threw an apple from the fruit basket at Tyrion’s head. Tyrion caught it and took a large bite.

“Margaery always thinks she can mess with us,” Brienne disparaged, “I think it’s high time we mess with her!”

At Jaime’s incredulous and mildly concerned look, Tyrion burst out laughing. When Brienne got an idea in her head, no matter how terrible, it took a lot to change her mind. “Oh today is going to be a good day.”

* * *

Tyrion didn’t know the specifics of how Jaime and Brienne had finally gotten together and done the deed, but it was definitely not due to any wooing on Jaime’s part. For a man who could unintentionally flirt so effortlessly, the moment Jaime actually set his mind to it, he was a complete mess. Was this part of the reason why the two of them had danced around each other for so long?

“Please, for the love of the seven try that again,” Tyrion muttered as he rested his cheek on the cheap linoleum surface of their dining table.

“You call Margaery, dring, dring,” Brienne imitated and then held up her pinky and thumb to her mouth and ear, respectively. The look Jaime shot her, spoke volumes about how adorable he thought she was, while Tyrion just snickered under his breath, “Hello?” she had pitched her voice higher and more sultry, almost a perfect match to Margaery’s flirtatious tone. Tyrion wouldn’t have pegged her for it, but Brienne was by far the more capable flirt of the two. No wonder she had his brother wrapped around her pinky finger.

Jaime’s face screwed up, “Hello.”

“Could you sound more like you’re eating a sour lemon?” Tyrion asked.

Jaime’s nose flared as his cheeks flushed the lightest shade of pink. He knew what was going through Tyrion’s brain, “Hey… girl.”

“For the love of… do not say girl.”

“Hey,” Jaime ground out.

“Oh Jaime?” Brienne imitated from her makeshift finger phone.

“Hey.”

“You already said that,” Tyrion gasped out in laughter, “Pretend she’s Brienne.”

“Pretend she’s me,” Brienne repeated in her own voice and placed a reassuring hand on Jaime’s knee.

Jaime sighed as he closed his eyes and rubbed his temples, “Yeah, it’s Jaime.”

“Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to hear from you, but is something the matter?” Brienne would make a great Margaery impressionist.

“Nothing’s wrong, I was actually wondering if you wanted to come over tonight? Tyrion and Cersei are going to be out of the apartment, so we’ll have the place to ourselves.”

Tyrion tried to hold back the chill racing down his spine. The line was too easy; it flowed too smoothly. Jaime had definitely said it to Brienne on multiple occasions. How many nights when he had been gone had Brienne been over instead? He looked between the two making heart eyes at each other and rolled his eyes to the sky. Every night. Duh.

“Jaime! Are you serious?” Brienne continued to imitate Margaery, faking affront, “Aren’t you with Brienne?”

“Yes.”

“Jaime!” Brienne berated as she smacked him in the shoulder in her own voice.

“No.”

Tyrion had never seen Jaime look so unsure. What a romantic fool. He wondered if Margaery had ever tried just asking his brother if he loved Brienne. Tyrion was sure that Jaime wouldn’t be able to stop waxing honest poetics about _that_.

Brienne seemed to notice that Jaime sounded a bit downtrodden, so she sidled up to him and kissed him on the cheek, “Are you okay with this Jaime?”

“Are you?” Jaime rebutted.

Brienne’s eyes went wide, doe-like, and earnest, “I really want to mess with her. I’ve never had the chance before.”

Jaime gave her his besotted smile and kissed the corner of Brienne’s mouth, “Then I’m okay with it.”

* * *

It took some strategy, but Tyrion was determined to be on both sides of this mess, if not to record the spectacular disaster down in history.

The phone call came when he was once again lounging on the couch in the girls’ apartment. “Hello? Oh… Jaime?” Margaery frantically waved down Sansa who scurried over to Margaery’s side and pressed her cheek against Margaery’s cheek in order to listen in. Tyrion didn’t care to remind them that speakerphone was a thing. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to hear from you, but is something the matter?” Tyrion had to give it to Brienne, she knew her best friends well. At the twin gasps from the two girls Tyrion was sure Jaime had delivered his seductive line convincingly enough. Sansa and Margaery looked at each other in panic before Margaery squeaked, “Tonight? Aren’t you seeing Brienne?” Well even Brienne couldn’t get it one hundred percent right. “Oh, if that’s the case sure… I’ll be by at seven? Hopefully that will give us enough time, though I don’t know if I’ll ever get enough of you Jaime.” Sansa couldn’t hide her gasp at Margaery’s words and Tyrion snorted loudly. Brienne’s plan to break Margaery had gone straight down the gutter. She should have known that Margaery would go far to get the goods. The girls’ apartment was basically an apartment of stubborn. “I’ll bring the wine then. See you tonight… hot… stuff.”

The moment the phone call was ended Tyrion broke out in raucous laughter. “Hot stuff?”

“You knew!” Margaery accused as she marched over to his prone form and grabbed a cushion to hit him with, “You knew and you didn’t warm me!”

“I’m not taking sides, not really,” Tyrion explained as he tried to fend off the plush.

“They know?” Sansa asked, her eyes wide as she looked back and forth between the two, “And Brienne is okay with this?”

“Brienne was actually the mastermind, but even she didn’t think you’d take the sex date offer.”

Margaery’s eyes flashed as she finally dropped her weapon, “Then they don’t know that we know they know we know.”

“Seven save us, of course they do!” Tyrion disparaged. Why were his friends like this? “Do you really think you can convincingly pretend you’re attracted to Jaime?”

“I’ll convince them!” Margaery declared as she marched into her room, “I’ll convince them all!”

* * *

About ten minutes before seven, a knock sounded on Margaery’s door. She opened it knowing who it was chewing her lip on the other side. “I don’t want to hurt Brienne either, you know?” Margaery said as she twirled a long lock of curled auburn hair around her finger.

Sansa bit her bottom lip harder and nodded, “Please don’t.”

“We can’t walk on egg shells around Brienne just because other’s have used her as their stomping ground. That’s the last thing that she wants… whether she fully acknowledges it or not,” Margaery sighed and tilted her head back to stare at the ceiling wondering where her life had gone for her to actually have to flirt with Jaime Lannister, “Or Seven forbid, she might think she doesn’t deserve Jaime when it’s definitely the other way around. Tyrion said that she wasn’t expecting us to follow up, but let’s be honest… of course she is. And if we don’t… she’ll know it’s about her.”

“Doesn’t mean that she still can’t be hurt,” Sansa argued.

Margaery winced, “It’s sad to say… but it’s all in Jaime’s hands now. I mean… I obviously won’t go all the way. I shiver to even think of that possibility.”

“Oh gods,” Sansa muttered as she buried her face in her hands, “I can’t believe it’s come to this.”

“The day where we both think that Jaime will not be a bag of dicks?” Margaery groused.

“You think he loves her too?”

“Of course he does, didn’t you hear his terrible flirting over the phone?”

“And you think Brienne loves him too?”

Margaery’s eyes softened, “She wouldn’t be sleeping with him otherwise.”

“Do you think they know?”

“Gods no!”

“Do you think…?”

Margaery winked, “What do you think the real scheme is?”

Sansa stared at her friend and then burst out laughing. “Margaery you are perfection! Gods, can you imagine telling ourselves ten years ago that someday we would think Jaime Lannister wasn’t an absolute asshole,” Sansa cackled.

“Fuck no!” Margaery laughed, “The jury might still be up to be honest!”

* * *

Tyrion came out of the girl’s apartment and immediately covered his face with his hands and groaned, “Your breasts are not going to convince anyone Margaery!”

“My breasts convince everyone!” Margaery growled as she undid another button making it so that her neckline sat about halfway down her pert bosom.

“It’s not obvious because he’s charming and the things he says come off as flirty, but Jaime is about as demisexual and virginal… minus the animal sex he has with Brienne—“

Sansa blanched, “Please don’t describe it that way.”

“As they come. You’d have a better chance at seducing Brienne with those things.”

“Why is one an unstoppable force and the other an immovable object?” Margaery wanted to shriek.

“Oh…” Tyrion blinked, “You’ve already tried to seduce the truth out of Brienne.”

Sansa shook her head, “Of course she has.”

“This will work,” Margaery declared as she undid a couple more buttons.

Sansa giggled, “You might as well go in there topless Margaery.”

“It really won’t,” Tyrion muttered at the same time, but all the more fun for him he supposed.

* * *

Jaime didn’t believe Brienne for even a second, but he was going to play along anyways and bail the moment that Brienne looked even a bit disconcerted. It wasn’t that Brienne was prone to jealousy, it was worse, she was prone to being self-derisive and anything that caused her to feel _less_ than the amazing woman she was, was stab worthy. And Jaime really didn’t want to stab himself.

“Body language is very important, you need to…”

Jaime stared dazedly at Brienne’s lips and wondered if she would bite his if he kissed her now. Would her pupil’s dilate if he simply caressed the pad of his thumb across the plump, reddened lower one? He loved her eyes and how they darkened when he drew close and touched her face gently.

“Margaery also likes it when guys stare at her breasts,” Brienne continued to instruct and pointed at her own chest as though he wouldn’t know where Margaery’s boobs would be located.

“That can’t possibly be true,” Jaime said scrunching his face. He had heard Cersei complain enough times about men ogling her.

“Well she does,” Brienne berated, knowing exactly who Jaime was thinking of. It was cute the look of distaste on his face from the thought of people staring at his twin’s breasts. She wanted to flick his nose and smooth down the lines between his brows. “She thinks that her breasts can convince anyone to do anything.”

“Can we stop talking about Margaery’s breasts? I’d much rather talk about yours.”

Brienne snorted, “One, I have no breasts,” Jaime opened his mouth to vehemently protest this absolute lie. He would know best about Brienne’s breasts. After all, they fit quite perfectly in the palm of his hands, “And two, head in the game, Jaime!”

Jaime smirked and placed his hands on her ribs, his thumb pressing close to the underside of her small, but sensitive chest. Brienne gasped, the sound high pitched and needy. She didn’t need to know that his head hadn’t been in the game since the beginning of her lesson. He wondered if he could convince her to do the professor/student role-play again. Professor Tarth had been particularly content to take what she wanted. “Personally, I think there are better places to put my head if you know what I…”

Brienne put a hand over his mouth, “I always know what you mean!” Jaime grinned and grabbed her hand covering his mouth. He kissed her palm tenderly and then began to pepper kisses down her wrist and then her forearm. “Jaime! Stop!”

“Not what you were saying last night.” Jaime pulled her up against him and nuzzled into her neck, “Come on Brienne, let’s stop this game, lock Margaery, Sansa, and Tyrion out of this apartment, and get back to… better things.”

Brienne moaned quietly as Jaime laved kisses on her skin, his hand shifted higher to palm her sensitive flesh, and she felt the hardness of him press into her thigh.

A knock sounded at the front door.

“OUT!”

“Fuck!” Jaime swore as Brienne shoved him out of his bedroom.

“Stare at her boobs Jaime! Break her!” she shout whispered and then shut the door.

Jaime’s eye twitched and in his annoyance didn’t think as he marched over to the front door and threw it open.

“Hello there lov—“ Margaery’s eyes had been sweeping him from head to toe, but her gaze had stopped abruptly at his pelvis. Her eyes widened at the bulge there and immediately her gaze flickered up to his.

Jaime leaned on the doorframe and crossed his arms awkwardly, his boner melting away one second too late, “Welcome to my humble abode.”

Jaime heard giggling and snorting from behind the door of the other apartment and Sansa positively cackle, “Abode, Tyrion! He just said humble abode!” 

Margaery continued to gape a bit like a fish and Jaime smirked at her speechlessness, “Would you like to come in?”

“I would love to,” Margaery purred, “I brought us some…” she pulled a bottle of red and two glasses out from behind her back and held them out in front of her in a way so that her boobs were squished between her upper arms, “wine.”

Jaime stared purposefully at her chest and noticed that goose bumps were appearing on her skin. He thought she should probably do up a couple of her buttons if she was feeling cold, “Wonderful, I’d love to… drink… that… with… you…” Jaime tried to remember what Brienne had said about changing the positioning of his body and spread himself eagle, blocking the entire entrance with his bulk. It was weird; usually when he did this to tease Brienne it didn’t feel so… awkward. Especially since his domineering stance was evened out by the fact that he usually had to look up instead of down.

Margaery coughed as she stared at Jaime looming over her menacingly. She forced her voice to go low and sultry, “Me too.”

“Well… come in then,” Jaime said and turned away from the door and Margaery with a large sweep of his hands.

Margaery’s eye twitched. How dare Jaime Lannister not be so enamored by her breasts that he wouldn’t just stumble backwards like an idiot fawn? So many other men had. And then it clicked.

Jaime Lannister was an ass man.

Brienne had legs for days and the finest ass to cap those miles off.

Margaery followed Jaime into the boys’ apartment and noted that the door behind her didn’t fully close as Sansa and Tyrion rushed out of the girls’ apartment and caught the door before it could swing shut. She set the bottle of wine on the counter along with the two glasses and eyed the pen sitting on the edge. Quickly, she flicked it off of the surface.

Jaime stared at her like she was an idiot. Damn, she hadn’t moved fast enough, but maybe being clumsy was endearing.

“Oh oops, how silly of me,” Margaery tittered as she turned around and bent over to reach for the pen. Margaery grinned, if Jaime wasn’t going to be enamored by her breasts, her fine ass would definitely ensnare him. It wasn’t as defined as Brienne, but it wasn’t something to be scoffed at. Margaery slowly and sensually stood back up again, but when she turned to face Jaime, he had a far away look on his face while staring at a used, bright red coffee cup.

Margaery twitched and her hand clenched around the innocent pen, which had only had the misfortune of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. “Jaime, I just realized… I’ve never seen your bedroom before.”

Jaime’s head snapped to attention, “What?”

A sly grin appeared on Margaery’s face. Finally, a reaction. She sauntered up to him and placed a hand on his chest, her nails scrapping at his shirt. “I want you to…” Margaery blanked as she looked into Jaime’s eyes. Wanting and Jaime Lannister was incongruous to her. He was short circuiting her brain. Part of her wanted to gag at the idea of being in the same bed as Jaime, “I want you to…” her eye twitched, “Rub lube all over me.”

The front door slammed shut at Tyrion and Sansa made a desperate bid to not be heard laughing their faces off and a large thunk could be heard from Jaime’s bedroom. Margaery frowned… so that was where Brienne was. Margaery frowned deeper. Was that why Jaime had reacted to her mention of his bedroom? Not because he was at all allured by her presence?

“Sounds fun. I’ll get the lube.”

“You’ll…” Margaery’s voice pitched higher as she tried not to lose her cool, “You’ll get the lube?”

Jaime gave her an easy Lannister grin. “I’ll be right back.” Why was he suddenly acting so cool? Was this what he was like when his Brienne-dar was activated?

Jaime scampered back to his bedroom.

* * *

The moment Jaime shut the bedroom door behind him, Brienne clobbered him with a pillow, “You didn’t listen to a single thing that I said, did you?” she half shouted and smacked him with the pillow again.

“I was distracted!” Jaime gave as an explanation as he blocked the flying feathery weapon, “You being in my bedroom has built up a particular association!” Brienne turned bright red and Jaime grinned. He stalked towards her until she fell back onto the bed and he could wiggle his hips between her thighs, “You have that association too.”

“Your room smells like you. Big whoop,” Brienne hissed, still fire engine red.

Jaime nuzzled Brienne’s neck affectionately and she gave a small moan, her legs nearly slinging around his hips. “Have you been touching yourself in here Brienne, surrounded by the smell of me?”

“N-no,” Brienne squeaked.

Jaime grinned, “But you’ve thought about it.”

Brienne’s silence and her nearly purple blush was answer enough for him. “Not with Margaery outside!”

“Forget about Margaery sweetling. I’d love to use some of that lube with you right now.”

“No! Jaime!” Brienne cried out in sudden alertness and shoved him away. She chucked a large bottle of gel at him.

Jaime chuckled as he caught the bottle of what was actually their lube, a real testament to how much Brienne wanted to crack Margaery, and popped the cap. “Do you think she’s going to guess strawberry?”

“Just get back out there and pretend you want to have sex with her Jaime!”

“What if I want to stay in here and actually have sex with you?”

“Be forward with her, tell her you wanna take control. She hates being topped!”

Jaime shook his head, “Girl is missing out.”

“OUT!”

* * *

Margaery hovered by the front door with wide eyes as she stared at Sansa and Tyrion, “I don’t want to know!” she hissed.

“You’re the one who brought it up,” Tyrion snickered.

“I didn’t think they actually—“ Magaery wanted to tear out her hair.

“Lube is great for sex,” Sansa shrugged helplessly.

Margaery buried her face in her hands, “But I never wanted to know what brand of lube one of my best friend’s used while fucking Jaime fucking Lannister.”

Both Tyrion and Sansa cringed, “Well when you put it like that…” Tyrion blanched. He already knew… heard? too much about Jaime’s sex life. He didn’t need to know more.

“Do you think Brienne uses unscented or lavender?” Sansa questioned.

The bedroom door creaked behind Margaery and her eyes went crazy, “Well, we’re about to find out, now aren’t we?”

“I know how to end it,” Tyrion muttered urgently before he found out more about Jaime’s sex life.

“You do?” Margaery asked, “Well tell me now!”

“Just try and kiss him.” Margaery made a face of horror. “I said try! He’s going to crack long before!”

Jaime coughed from behind Margaery, “Were you leaving?”

Margaery span around and closed the door behind her, “Not ‘til morning, Jaime,” Margaery murmured slinking her way back up to him.

Jaime took a step back and held the bottle of lube out in front of him like a shield, “I have the lube.”

Margaery swallowed as she took in the brand, flavor, and sheer size of the almost empty bottle, “Oh,” she managed to squeak out. She was so happy for Brienne… probably.

“I’m…” Jaime coughed as he lowered his hand, stood up straighter, and pulled his shoulders back, “Glad, we’re going to be having,” he winced a bit as he took a step closer to Margaery, “All the sex.”

Margaery craned her neck to look up at him. Gods, he was almost as tall as Brienne. “Well you should be. I’m very…” she reached up to caress his cheek, “Very bendy.” To try and make a point she slung one of her legs on his hip, but when he didn’t grab hold of it, Margaery regretted the move. Now her leg was just awkwardly hovering and she was balancing on one foot, but she would be damned to admit defeat and put the leg down. “I’m going to kiss you Jaime.”

Jaime remembered Brienne’s _How to Crack Margaery Tyrell_ advice, “No, I’m going to kiss you first.” He slid his hand against her neck and tangled his fingers in her hair, pulling purposefully at the strands.

Margaery pursed her lips as she cupped both of his cheeks with both of her hands to take control of his face. Jaime’s lips pressed in a straight line as his other hand went and grabbed her waist and pulled her to him so that she was pressed right up against his body. Margaery wondered why he wouldn’t just grab her damn leg! “Are you going to kiss me then Jaime?”

Jaime didn’t want to mention that Margaery’s hands were practically smooshing his face in her natural inclination to control his lips. Brienne had not been kidding. “I think I will.”

Jaime moved forward.

And leaned down.

And it was just so wrong.

So, so, so wrong.

Usually he would have to bounce on the balls of his feet.

Sometimes he would have to press onto his toes.

And gods, if that just wasn’t so right…

Leaning down to kiss was just so unbelievably wrong.

He sighed.

“Let’s stop this. I can’t do this anymore Margaery.”

Margaery blinked at him and finally lowered her aching leg, “What?”

Jaime gently pushed Margaery away, “I can’t pretend to want to kiss you much less pretend to want to have sex with you.

“And why not?” Margaery goaded, only very minorly offended.

Jaime rolled his eyes back to his bedroom door affectionately and then shouted very, very loudly, “BECAUSE I’M IN LOVE WITH BRIENNE.”

“What?” Margaery asked.

The front door opened. Sansa burst in with stars in her eyes, “REALLY???” It was the outcome they had suspected, but it was different to hear the confession from the golden lion’s mouth.

Tyrion marched in after, exasperated, “This isn’t news you two.”

But of course Brienne opened Jaime’s bedroom door and stared at him with such large shocked eyes, proving Tyrion very wrong.

“I’m in love with you,” Jaime reiterated and smiled at her, “I’m so, so in love with you, Brienne.”

“Really?” Brienne whimpered as she approached Jaime.

“Really,” he grinned as he tugged her to him and leaned up to kiss her. Perfect. Pressed on his toes, as kisses should be. “And you?”

“I love you too Jaime. Of course I do.”

“It wasn’t just sexual tension,” Margaery sobbed as she fell back and away from the couple, “It was romantic tension!”

“Happy now Margaery?” Jaime asked as he held Brienne in his arms.

Margaery gasped and clapped her hands, “Delighted.”

Brienne beamed as she tucked Jaime’s head into her neck, “So now everyone knows!”

Sansa shook her head, “Cersei doesn’t know.”

Jaime opened his mouth.

Tyrion nodded his head sagely, “Best keep it that way.”

Brienne gave Jaime a look. He shrugged.

* * *

Margaery’s face scrunched in disgust as she tried to have her morning coffee in her apartment in peace. But alas, peace was not to be had, “Can you two… stop sucking face for one second?”

“I can tell you the answer is no,” Tyrion said while flipping the newspaper page and not looking up.

Brienne’s teeth let go of Jaime’s bottom lip and she leaned on Jaime’s shoulder, “You wanted us out in the open.”

“That’s not the same as wanting to see your tongues all the time!”

“I think it’s sweet,” Sansa piped.

“You should have thought about that then,” Brienne grinned as Jaime nipped her ear.

“I hate you both,” Margaery growled.

Jaime held out his hand as he kissed Brienne again, “Mmh,” Jaime groaned against Brienne’s lips, “Too busy kissing. Can’t hear you.”

“Wait until they finally spend the night in Brienne’s bed,” Tyrion cackled.

* * *

Robb regarded the scene outside of Cersei’s window. He tilted his head as he saw Cersei’s twin and Sansa’s best friend curl around each other on the window ledge and make out like teenagers while Margaery, Sansa, and Tyrion watched with varying emotions on their faces, “Hey Cers!”

“What?” Cersei bit out venomously, but skipped to his side and clutched onto his arm adoringly.

“Are Jaime and Brienne finally dating?”

Cersei rolled her eyes and leaned on Robb’s shoulder, “Only thanks to me. Jaime can’t flirt for his life. I locked them in a closet and refused to let them out until they admitted their feelings to each other. I couldn’t stand another day of Jaime’s horrid pinning and pick up lines and Brienne’s infuriating density. Came back only an hour later to check on their progress. The image of Jaime’s balls will forever be seared into my memory.”

Robb snorted as he casted his gaze at Cersei, deciding it was best not to mention Cersei’s horrid pick up lines. The difference was that he had understood them, where as Brienne had not, “What a love story.”

“Jaime refuses to acknowledge that I had any part in getting them together.”

“I refuse to acknowledge that you had any part in getting us together,” Robb teased. The Lannister twins were like the blind leading the blind really.

Cersei glared at him.

“Also, why did you get this apartment?” Robb muttered as he regarded the curtains, “We’re never going to be able to keep our relationship a secret from Sansa if you live here.”

Cersei gave him a dark grin as she ran a nail down his chest, “Well actually… I was thinking of giving Sansa a life-long memory…”

* * *

“Oh look guys! Robb’s over at Cersei’s new apartment. He must be helping her move in. I didn’t even know they knew each other,” Sansa chirped as she glanced out the window and tried to wave at her older brother.

Tyrion, Jaime, and Brienne all glanced at each other with wide eyes. “LOOK AWAY!” Brienne screamed.

Sansa’s eyes widened as Cersei’s emerald green eyes met hers and then suddenly the older Lannister twin ripped open Robb’s button down shirt, “What is…?”

Three bodies tackled Sansa to the floor all at once.

“WHY WAS CERSEI STRIPING MY BROTHER?” Sansa cried as she tried to wrestle against her two huge friends and one very determined dwarf.

Margaery blinked as she stepped over the wrestling match at her feet, “Wow, Cersei works fast… ride him cow girl.”

“Were those his balls?” Sansa sobbed in continued horror.

“Margaery! You’re not helping!” Tyrion growled as he tried to close the curtains as Sansa screeched and Jaime and Brienne tried to save her sanity.

Margaery grinned as she pressed her face to the glass, “When do I ever?”

**Author's Note:**

> Cersei, unlike Tyrion, did not care for listening to her brother fuck Brienne on a nightly basis (once was more than enough). The Lannister brothers may have thought they evicted her, but she only let them think this.
> 
> As is the case, Cersei's plan immediately went awry as now, not only does Brienne glare dourly at her from across the street, but Sansa drops by every time she sees Robb in Cersei's apartment and he, unlike Jaime, is not going to bang Cersei with his sister in his apartment.


End file.
